Breathe
by dangerkitty
Summary: Bella/Alice/Jasper. What happens when it all goes awry? Inspired by the the song 'Breathe' by Anna Nalick. Rated M for talk of abortion and some bad language.
1. 2 AM

A/N: This story was inspired by the song Breathe by Anna Nalick and it's been flip-flopping around in my brain for a while now. I have approximately 3 chapters plotted out in my head, but it might end up being 4 depending on the response I get.

As always, the recognizable characters belong to Stephanie Meyer. No infringement is intended.

My plan is to have a new chapter up next Monday. If you want Twitter updates, follow me: straberwine.

* * *

**"Breathe (2 AM)"**

2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,  
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,  
I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"  
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes  
Like they have any right at all to criticize,  
Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason

-Anna Nalick

* * *

When my phone rang at two o'clock in the morning, I immediately thought somebody had died. Unfortunately, I didn't take into account the fact that my friend, Alice, has a deep lack of respect for personal boundaries, especially where I'm concerned. Imagine my consternation to find that, indeed, nobody was bleeding to death on her living room rug when I answered her call.

"Oh my God, Bella!" She's sobbing into the phone when I answer; I'm instantly tense, awaiting the horrible news that must be about to follow.

"Calm down, Alice. Take a breath and tell me what's wrong."

"I just don't know what to do! What am I going to do, Bella? My life is over! I can't handle this right now! What will Morty and Betty think? I can't disappoint them like this! And Jasper! Oh my God! What is Jasper going to say? What if he never talks to me again? How could I do this?" This entire string of questions ran together and out of Alice's mouth in a matter of seconds, leaving me quiet for a minute after she stopped talking to try to make sense of her mutterings. "Help me, Bells! I need you to tell me what to do!"

"Alice, I'll be glad to help, but I don't even know what's going on!" I'm trying to process everything she had told me in her outburst. One, Morty and Betty (her adopted parents) must be ok if she's worried about disappointing them. And Jasper must be alright, as well, but not there with her as has been their custom lately. What would disappoint her parents and make Jasper not talk to her again? Only one thing came to mind.

"Alice, are you pregnant?" The renewed bout of sobbing confirmed my suspicions. Heaven help us. Alice is pregnant. She is the last person on this earth that should be a mother. Don't get me wrong…I love the girl like my own sister and would move mountains to help her, but she is the most scatterbrained person I know and is in no way capable of taking care of herself, let alone a baby. No wonder she's panicking.

"Alice, sweetie, calm down. Let me throw some clothes on and I'll be over in a minute, ok? Just sit tight for me, alright?" Alice and I shared a duplex, and it has been both a blessing and a curse. Times like this, I'm thankful that I only have to go a few steps to her door.

I throw on an old pair of sweats and a t-shirt to cover my normal sleep attire of my birthday suit and slip a pair of flip-flops on as I head out the door. Alice has at least had the foresight to unlock her door for me and I walk in quietly to find her curled up on her couch, her head resting atop her knees, rocking back and forth with the rhythm of her sobs. I go to her and sit, pulling her into my arms to give her what little comfort I can.

"Sweetie, can you talk now? Tell me what happened and we'll figure something out."

"Oh, Bella. I'm so stupid sometimes! I wasn't feeling well and a girl at work made a snide comment about me being pregnant. It got me to thinking about it, and I realized that I hadn't started yet, even though I was should have a few days ago. You know how I am…I'm never late! So I ran by Walgreens on the way home from work and got a couple of different tests. I was going to wait until I got up for work in the morning to test, but then I woke up a little while ago and had to pee, so I figured, why not, you know? I never expected it to be positive! What am I going to do? I can't be a mother! My life is fucked up enough, without bringing a kid into it!" She shrunk even more, if possible, and started a whole new round of crying. I rubbed her back while she cried; knowing that until she was done there would be no talking to her.

After some time – it could have been minutes or an hour – she finally quit crying and pulled herself up. I followed her to the bathroom when she announced she needed to go wash her face. The sight that greeted me shocked the hell out of me. Her entire vanity top was covered in countless used pregnancy tests. There must have been at least five different varieties of tests, some with multiple used sticks.

"Alice, isn't this going overboard a little bit, Hon?" I wasn't about to pick any of them up, but the ones I could see well all showed bright pink lines and plus signs. You would think that one or two would have been enough.

"I had to be sure, Bella. I bought one of each kind they had at the drug store. No need to take chances when you don't have to." I bit back the smart ass comment that popped in my head about having already taken unnecessary chances if she needed to be buying pregnancy tests in the first place. My smart mouth wouldn't help this situation at all.

"So, what do you think you're going to do? Who's the father?" I hated to ask, but I knew Alice well enough to know that her sexual partners were many. I assumed that it was Jasper considering the amount of time that he'd been spending at her place, but I also knew she'd been with at least one other guy during the time they'd been hanging out.

"It's Jasper's. I know the day it happened. I'm always so careful, but we just got carried away one night. You remember that night he came over in those tight-ass jeans and cowboy boots? Girl, I jumped him the second you walked out the door. I didn't even think about protection until after the fact. I can't believe I was so stupid!"

I gritted my teeth to keep from saying something wholly inappropriate at this point in time. Alice doesn't know that I'm in love with Jasper. I've tried desperately to hide it from both of them, and sometimes it's all that I can take just to be around them. Alice, Jasper and I have been friends since our junior year of high school. I moved to Washington from Arizona and was feeling completely lost and out of place during the first day of school. Alice took me under her wing and we were instant friends. Jasper moved up from Texas a month or two later and he gravitated towards us – Alice's boisterous personality and my being the 'new kid' as well, we just seemed to click. Never had any of us been anything but friends until this past fall when Alice and Jasper got drunk together and ended up in bed. After that first time, they couldn't keep their hands off each other. What really got to me, though, was that I knew that it was only physical, for Alice at least. She had made it perfectly clear on several occasions that they were just friends with benefits. Unfortunately for me, I was subjected to her day-after glow and lengthy ramblings about how good he was in bed, how much stamina he had, how hot his body was underneath the jeans and t-shirts he always wore. I kept my mouth shut about him and tried to ignore my friend, but it had gotten to the point that I would tune her out just so I wouldn't have the fodder to fuel my pity parties that always followed Alice/Jasper nights. Right now, I just wanted to grab her by the throat and strangle the life out of her.

"So, are you going to tell him? I think Jasper has a right to know." I'm pretty sure the contempt in my voice wasn't as well controlled as I had hoped. Alice glared at me as she responded.

"No, I'm not going to tell him, and neither are you. You are going to take me to the family planning clinic tomorrow and I'm going to get an abortion. There is no reason for him to ever know. He's doesn't need this kind of stress right now, and there is no way I can quit school to raise a kid."

"Just promise me you'll think about this some more before you decide to throw away a life. I'll take you because you are my oldest friend, but you know my stance on abortion. I think you'll regret it in the long run if you make a rash decision, and I also think Jasper should be a part of the decision. Think about it for the rest of the night, at least."

I left her sitting on the edge of the tub, surrounded by used pregnancy tests. I made my way back to my apartment and collapsed into a sobbing fit of my own when I landed back in bed. It tore my heart up to see how easily she could throw away this life, this little being that she had created with the most wonderful man in existence. No way would I ever give up any piece of Jasper if he gave it to me willingly. I cried for the baby that would never be, the regret that Alice would eventually have, for Jasper's ignorance in the whole matter and for me. Mostly for me and the fact that he would never be mine to love.


	2. Fort Bliss

May he turned 21 on the base at Fort Bliss  
"Just a day" he said down to the flask in his fist,  
"Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year."  
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,  
But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,  
Wanna hold him. Maybe I'll just sing about it.

- 2am by Anna Nalick

* * *

This morning brought more tears from Alice. I took her to the family planning clinic and promised to stay with her afterwards. Even though she was most definitely not cut out to be a mother at this juncture of her life, the decision was taking a toll on her. When I stopped by her apartment to get her first thing, I could tell she hadn't slept all night, and had spent most of it crying. Her eyes were puffy, her nose red and raw looking, and her normal bubbly personality was absent. She was dressed in sweats and a t-shirt – neither items I would have imagined her even owning – and her hair was greasy and slicked back on her head. My attempt to get her to shower was met with another round of tears, so I just guided her out to my car.

The family planning clinic was a nondescript little brick building in the middle of downtown Port Angeles. Once inside, I found a spot for Alice to sit and went to get the paperwork for her. She was looking like a beaten puppy when I returned.

"Bella, everybody is looking at me." She all but whined as I put my arm around her shoulders and tried to comfort her.

"Sweetie, they're only looking at you because we just walked in. Don't think about it, ok? We need to get this paperwork filled out. Do you have your insurance card with you?"

I helped her get the papers completed and handed back in and I was given instructions to 'just wait like everybody else' until they called her name. We sat in silence for what seemed like hours, watching the other girls watch us. There were four other younger girls in the waiting room with us, each with an older, maternal figure with them. The girls all looked at us with sympathy, but the mothers' eyes held judgment. The longer I sat there, the more furious I got. After all, this was an abortion clinic…they weren't exactly here to get an annual physical. By the time Alice's name was called, I was on the verge of vocalizing my irritation.

The procedure itself was quick, but Alice seemed to shrink more into herself when we left. I knew she was sad. I can't say that I would have gone with her decision had it been me, but I wasn't in that situation. And, I also felt she should've let Jasper know, but again, it wasn't my life, so I kept my mouth shut and offered her quiet comfort as much as I could.

We arrived back at our apartment building a little after noon. It was grey and drizzling; perfectly suited to the mood of the day.

"Bella, I don't want to go to my apartment. Do you care if we stay at yours instead? I need a change of scenery, I think." It was the first she had spoken since the nurse called her back to the exam room.

"Sure thing. I'll make us some lunch and you can veg on the couch."

I made us a simple lunch of grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup, and we watched TV for the rest of the evening. When Alice fell asleep on the couch, I just let her lay, covered her with my favorite afghan, and went to bed.

The next morning, I woke to find my couch empty, the afghan folded and a note. 'I'm going to my moms. I'll be back in a week or so. Love, Alice.' I wasn't really surprised, but it saddened me that she had left without saying goodbye.

Alice had been gone for two days when I got a call from Jasper. He had become a pretty regular fixture at her place, and I was rather shocked it had taken him that long to call me.

"Bella? Have you seen Alice? I been tryin' to call her, but she ain't answerin'." His words were slower than usual, making his Southern drawl more pronounced.

"She went home for a few days, Jazz. Knowing Alice she forgot to take her phone charger with her, so her phone is probably dead and she's none the wiser. Do you need anything?" God, I sounded desperate to myself. I couldn't help it. The boy just got under my skin. Even knowing Alice's secret, if he had asked me to confess, I'm not sure I could've stopped myself.

"Not really, darlin'. I just didn't feel like hangin' out all by myself again t'night and hoped she could come over."

"Actually, I was about to have some dinner. Want to come over and eat with me? I made enchiladas…your favorite."

"Ah, Bells. You know the way to a man's heart. I'll be over in a few."

As soon as I hung up the phone, I jumped in the shower, and then stood in front of my closet looking for something suitable to wear. This wasn't a date, so dressing up was out. But I didn't want to just wear baggy jeans and a band tee, either. Finally, I opted for black slacks and a green sweater. The same green as Jasper's eyes, actually.

I had just taken the enchiladas out of the oven when a knock sounded on the front door. Jasper was leaning against my door facing looking just like something out of a western movie when I answered. He was dressed in dark jeans, complete with crease, plaid flannel shirt, his boots and a black cowboy hat. I'm sure the drool in my mouth would have made it impossible to speak, so I just moved back out of the way so he could enter.

"I broughtcha somethin' to drink with them enchiladas, Sweets." He handed me a brown paper bag and tipped his hat at me in greeting.

"Make yourself at home, Jazz. I'll get us some food." I gestured toward the living room and turned to go back in the kitchen. The bag contained a six pack of Michelob Ultra, which I stuck in the fridge to cool. I then plated us both some enchiladas and grabbed some forks, heading to the living room with our food. What I saw when I reached the doorway tugged at my heart strings. Jasper was leaning back on my couch, head against the wall with his eyes closed. In his right hand was a half-empty fifth of Jim Beam. I had wondered if he'd been drinking when his accent had been so noticeable, but didn't think he would drive while he'd been drinking. However, there was no way he had drunk that much since he got here.

"Jazz, I've got food."

When he looked up I noticed his eyes were tired and his whole body appeared tense. I knew he had been having a hard time lately, but since I don't see him much anymore, I didn't realize it was this bad. Both of his parents were killed in a car wreck just over six months ago. Jasper had been driving. They were coming back from Seattle and it was late at night. He had just worked a 16 hour shift and was exhausted. He fell asleep at the wheel and ran off the road, hitting a culvert and flipping his SUV. His mother was thrown from the vehicle and killed instantly, but his father was trapped in the back and bled to death while Jasper tried to get him out. He had taken the whole thing very hard, and started drinking heavily right after the funeral. Since he and Alice had started their sexcapades, however, I thought he had accepted it and was healing. I guess I was wrong. It made me wonder why Alice hadn't mentioned that he was still drinking.

He reached out to take a plate from me, swigging again from his bottle as he did so. We ate in silence. As I watched him eat, I realized that no matter what my feelings were for him, he needed a friend more than a romantic partner and that's what I would be. He needed somebody to hold him and be strong for him; somebody to help him get out of the bottle he had jumped feet first into.

After we ate, I took out plates into the kitchen and rinsed them before sticking them in the empty dishwasher. I was covering the leftovers when a noise behind me alerted me to the fact I wasn't alone in the room anymore.

"Whatcha doin' there, Bells? Need any help?" He was leaning against the counter now, smiling that lopsided smile that made my tummy do flip-flops, looking every bit as delicious as those enchiladas had been…dessert would be good. No! Bad Bella…help him, be his friend, do NOT try to rip his clothes off.

"I've got this, Jazz. You go find us something on TV or put a DVD in. I'll just be a second." He turned and left the room, my eyes following his retreat and appreciating the view his worn Levi's afforded.

I returned to the living room to find Jasper once again leaned back on the couch, bottle in hand. There wasn't much left in it now.

"Jazz, sweetie, can we talk a sec?" He looked up and met my eyes and I was struck again with just how beautiful he was. He made my heart ache. I just wanted to hold him and touch him and love him for the rest of my life, but I needed to put my wants aside and help him get better.

"Watsup, Bells?"

"When did you buy that bottle, Jazz?" When he realized where this was going, his face fell. "I thought you had quit drinking all the time, babe. What's going on with you?"

It seemed that all he needed was somebody to ask. He owned up to everything then, talking about how much he missed his parents and how hard it had been on him knowing he was the one responsible for their death. He told me that the alcohol had helped him sleep at first, then it made him numb, but now it just took more and more to get the job done and he didn't think he'd been sober completely in months. I sat beside him and offered him the only comfort I could – I held him as he let his pain out, and then I left another friend sleeping on my couch under and afghan for the second time in a week.

* * *

A/N: Thanks for the reviews and I hope I haven't lost y'all b/c it took me so long to update. RL is kicking my butt.

Thanks so much to my pre-reader Jazzella for her comments and for sharing my love of all things Jasper. Check out her story Behind Enemy Lines. It's a very unique take on the Jasper/Bella pairing and I'm very much addicted to it now.


	3. Naked

This is the last chapter. Yes, I am planning to continue it (my beta won't let me hear the end of it if I don't). However, the song ended here and since I am basing the story on the song, it needed to end here. Don't hate me.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song

If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,

Threatening the life it belongs to

And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd

Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud

And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

- 2am by Anna Nalick

* * *

Once again I woke up with an empty couch and a folded afghan. No note, though, which made me rather sad. I hoped that Jasper wasn't embarrassed by his breakdown last night, but knowing what a private person he normally was, I suspected that was the case. Right then I made a decision.

I took my time getting ready that morning. I showered slowly, making sure to condition my hair and shave my legs. I dressed in my most comfortable pair of jeans and the nicest t-shirt I owned, then painstakingly applied the multiple makeup items that Alice insisted should be in every woman's bathroom cabinet. I dried my hair and pulled a chi iron through it until it shined, curling the ends. When I was through, I surveyed my appearance. I knew that this conversation was going to take considerable confidence on my part and I knew a sloppy pony tail and sweats wasn't going to cut it. I looked as good as I could get without significant outside interference, so I threw on my Chucks and grabbed my purse heading out.

When I pulled up at Jasper's house, it didn't surprise me to see him passed out on the porch swing still wearing the same outfit from the day before. I picked his feet up and slid under them, situating myself on the swing beside him. He grumbled something unrecognizable under his breath and stirred slightly before falling back into a deep sleep. I'm not sure how long I sat there, swinging lightly with his feet in my lap, but by the time he started to wake the sun was high in the sky and my stomach was aching from lack of food.

He sat up slowly, looking wary and unsure of his surroundings. His eyes, when he finally peeled them open to stay, were bloodshot. Even rumpled and clearly hung over, the sight of him made my breath catch in my throat. How could someone be that beautiful without even trying? He smiled brightly when he registered my presence and the sight made my heart skip and do a little tap dance in my chest.

"Bella! What are you doing here, Sweets?" His voice betrayed the bright smile on his face. I knew he was trying to act as if nothing had changed between us last night.

"Jasper, we're friends right? I mean, I'm more that just Alice's neighbor to you, am I correct?"

"Of course, Bells. You know I consider you a friend." His brow furrowed in confusion. "Where are you going with this?"

"Honey, last night I saw someone I never want to have to see again. I saw my friend hurting and unable to cope with the pain by himself. I want to help you, but I can't...at least not alone. I came over here today to, hopefully, help you get into Alcoholics Anonymous. Would you be willing to do that?"

I knew as soon as the words left my mouth that I was on the right track. Jasper's formerly pleasant expression broke instantly as sorrow and embarrassment clouded his features. He didn't look as if he were going to fight me on the suggestion; rather that he didn't want me to have to be the one to advocate it.

"Jazz, honey, I can all but see what is going through your mind right now. You have nothing to be ashamed of. I am your friend. If you can't talk to me, what good am I to you?" I looked deep into his sad green eyes and tried to convey the sincerity of my words. Granted it takes everything in me not to climb in his lap and grind on him, but if he needs a friend, I'll be a friend.

"Sweets, I..." his brow furrows in thought as he struggles for the words "I appreciate what you're trying to do, but I think this is something that I need to get through on my own." He scrubs his hands across his face, the stubble from his unshaved face making a light scratching sound.

"Jasper Whitlock! You will NOT argue with me about this! You are not going to, and I quote, get through this on your own!" The anger wells up in me at his stubbornness and the fact that he seems unwilling to accept my assistance. Why had I not paid closer attention to him lately? I should've seen his struggle before now and done something to help before it got to this point. And why hadn't Alice said anything? Has she really been that wrapped up in herself that she didn't notice how he had been coping?

"You are going to get your ass of this porch swing, go in the house, get showered and dressed and we are going to find an AA meeting. I am not going to argue with you about how well you're coping and I don't want to hear any complaints about me wasting time taking care of you." Jasper started to interrupt me, but I cut him off. "Shush! I am doing this because I am your friend and I love you. Now, get! You do NOT want me to have to scrub you myself."

He looked bewildered from my sudden outburst, but did as instructed. He was freshly showered and dressed in less that a half hour and we were walking out the door, heading to the address I had found prior, when my cell phone rang. I almost ignored the call, and now wish that I had. That whole chaos theory thing? I believe it now. Who would've guessed that an answered phone would change my life forever?

"Hey, girl!" I halted on the porch to take the call and glanced at Jasper and nodded for him to have a seat. "I'm kinda in the middle of something right now. Can I call you back?"

"Hell no, you can not call me back! What the hell is the matter with you? And what is so important that you would blow your best friend off when she needs you?"

I grimaced and turned my back to Jasper, hoping that he wouldn't be able to hear my conversation. "Alice..." I hissed her name through gritted teeth. "I am with Jasper right now and I can't talk about this with you. Do you understand?" I try to talk low enough that Jasper won't be able to tell what I'm saying but loud enough for her to hear me.

I needed not waste my efforts at being quiet because I was certain that the neighbors could have heard her response, even through the tiny electronic device. Alice was screaming into the phone and I dropped it from the sudden attack on my ear drum. When I had it back in my hand again, I could her her tinny voice coming from the speaker without the phone being near my ear.

"Bella! Tell me you didn't tell him! How could you? You promised me that you would keep that to yourself! Some friend you are. I TRUSTED you and you betrayed me. I know you're in love with Jasper and want him all to yourself, but get over it. You know he doesn't think of you like that but you just HAD to take this opportunity to make him hate me!"

Alice stopped her rant to take a ragged breath and I took the opportunity to tell her to shut the hell up. "Alice, calm down." I put the phone back up to my ear, preparing for another outburst. "I didn't tell him anything, although I'm pretty sure he is suspicious now that he's heard that entire outburst you just had."

The silence on the other end of the line was deafening. Add to that the fact that Jasper now had a very suspicious look on his face and I was feeling like a referee caught between two boxers preparing for a fight.

"Alice, I need to go. And just so you know, from the look on Jasper's face he will be expecting a phone call from you to explain. I love you, sweetie."

"I'm sorry for yelling at you, Bella." I could hear her sniffle and I knew she was crying...again. "Tell him I'll call him tonight."

I closed my phone and looked sheepishly over to Jasper. I knew he wasn't going to let me off without at least some explanation, and I also had a feeling our unscheduled trip was about to be rescheduled for another day.

"Bella, why was Alice yelling at you like a banshee? And what is it you haven't told me?" I could tell by the intense look on his face that he was not going to let me off the hook.

"Look, Jazz. You and Alice are both my friends. She asked me not to tell you and I can't break that promise, even though I very much want to. This is something that she is going to have to tell you herself." I took a deep breath as the realization that the outcome of this conversation would likely determine if I still had two friends or just one. "That's not to say that I agree with her decision, nor with her trying to keep it from you. Remember that when you talk to her."

Jasper glared at me then, turned around and walked back into his house heading straight for the bottle of whiskey on the kitchen counter. Before I had a chance to register what he was doing, he had it uncapped and upturned, chugging it like I do spring water.

"Jazz, babe, this is not good for you. Tell me what you're thinking, but don't try to drown it. You have to let yourself feel."

Jasper answered me with a mumbled 'humph' and all but pushed me toward the front door. I found myself back on the porch, with his door shut firmly in my face.

* * *

2/10/11

Now, sitting in the middle of my bed, wide awake at two a.m., I am more confused that I was before. I know Jasper needs somebody that can love him and help him through the recovery of his addiction, but Alice is obviously not going to be that person. She is too wrapped up in herself to be that person for anybody right now. It'll be interesting to find out whether she ever called him back and what was said if she did. The look on Jasper's face just before he downed the whiskey would stick with me forever. He looked utterly alone, even though I was standing right there with him.

I am writing this down now, hopefully to be able to close this part of my life. I am closing the book on my obsession with a man that will never love me back as anything more than a friend and leaving it behind. I will be a friend to him and Alice, but with no expectations. That's it. The end.

- Bella

Chapter End Notes:

As always, thanks to my awesome beta, Jazzella. Without her this would have been much more confusing.


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